Violence and Silence: Lessons in Leadership

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I stumbled upon this Ted Talk while procrastinating on Twitter researching for my WIP. It’s roughly 20 minutes long, but it’s worth the watch.

For those who don’t have time to watch the video now, Katz challenges the current dialogue around violence, stating that most of the discourse centers around the victim (oftentimes, turning the conversation into one of victim-blaming) rather than the perpetrator of violence.

In a linguistic example that morphed the line “John beat Mary” into “Mary was beaten by John” to “Mary is a battered woman,” we see how even these cognitive structures are set up to be passive against the attacker and focused on the victim.

The victim then gets the spotlight, while the perpetrator is left unexamined.

In cases of domestic or sexual violence, for instance, we seem to ask:

“Why didn’t she just leave him? What was she thinking being with him/wearing that outfit/going to that party?”

versus

“Why did he hit her? Why did he rape her?”

Or, an even better question, “What are we doing in this society that would allow or influence these decisions?”

Jackson Katz makes many, many great points, but the one that resonated the most with me is one of Leadership. It’s not enough to talk about the problems in our society, or who is at fault, or why. The point is that true Leaders will act not only in response to an immediate need but will also act to avoid perpetuating the cycle of violence; as a bystander to the perpetrator and victim, how would you respond?

This Ted Talk found its way to me right after I read a great article from The Art of Manliness.* In it, McKay recounts two incidents that happened in New York, both nearly identical life-or-death circumstances. In the first incident, bystanders looked on while someone was killed and in the second, the bystanders interceded and saved a life.

McKay goes on to ask: Why do some men freeze up and react passively in a crisis, while others take action? Why do some run away from danger and others run toward it?

Why are some men sheep and other men sheepdogs?

And which one are you?

Needless to say, I have a lot of reflecting to do about what action I would take as a bystander.

{*I highly suggest you subscribe to The Art of Manliness if you don’t already.}

Clarity

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“All things are difficult before they are easy.”

April was hands down the most challenging month I’ve experienced in recent memory (and that includes the craycray of this past holiday season). There were days that I refused to go to sleep because that meant that Today had ended, and Tomorrow would come. I did not want Tomorrow to come. Tomorrow meant yet another Obligation to face down, another Necessary Evil to endure, another Reality Check that I needed to accept. Tomorrow was heavy, and I was tired of shouldering that burden day after day.

On top of that, there was the never ending winter weather that melted into apocalyptic April showers, and pretty soon, I believed that this heaviness was my new normal, with no end in sight. It’s like every facet of my life decided to challenge me at the same time. To quote dear Bilbo Baggins, I felt “stretched…like butter scraped over too much bread.” I seriously considered just withdrawing from the world, and living on my own little island.

That is, until the internal and external challenges I faced came to a head and I was more or less forced to stop All The Doing and Busyness, take a step back, and evaluate my situation from a more objective place.

What did I find? I found that I had a problem with perfection that I NEVER thought I had inside me. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the heaviness I experienced was the constant disappointment I felt against myself because I didn’t know All The Things and I didn’t execute Things perfectly on my first try. I mean, that need for perfection tainted my view on everything recently, including feeling betrayed by my body when I caught my first cold in seven years.

Once I did recognize it, I was able to correct my mindset and began to find peace. I allowed myself to accept my fumbles and missteps. I let myself be OK with uncertainty. And, I found myself being grateful for this much needed experience just so I can look back and remember how I can be better next time. More importantly, I now have this reminder that I faced seemingly big challenges, and I was able to stretch, scrape, and push myself past them. If I could do it once, I can surely do it again.

I’m not going to lie: it’s hard to face your own incompetence day after day. I know. I live it. But man, when that moment of clarity dawns on you, when the fog in your mind disappears and you suddenly see the solution to the problem you’ve been staring at for-freaking-ever, you almost feel like the god of your own universe. That moment, in and of itself, far outweighs the price of all the struggle.

manager photo[Edited to include photo]

The Kindness Project: The Kindness in Asking

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[This post is part of The Kindness Project Blog ...]

[I quote the video frequently through this post, and the quotes link back to the talk, so you don't need to watch it now you don't have the time. Or, you can always read the transcript of the TED talk HERE.]

Let me just say, I admire how fearless Amanda Palmer is, and not just as a performer, but in the way she connects with people through her art. She mentioned a time when she used to be a street performer, one of those human statues, and that whenever someone would drop some money into her hat, they would share a moment:

So I had the most profound encounters with people,especially lonely people who looked like they hadn’t talked to anyone in weeks,and we would get this beautiful moment of prolonged eye contact being allowed in a city street,and we would sort of fall in love a little bit.And my eyes would say, “Thank you. I see you.”And their eyes would say,“Nobody ever sees me. Thank you.”

She had other stories of connecting with her fans in a very close and real way, trusting them to catch her whether she was crowd surfing or couch surfing. I love the story she told of couch surfing in a house where the family had so little, were so poor, and she felt unfair taking the hospitality they gave her. But the next day, the mother of the little family “took me aside and she said to me in her broken English, “Your music has helped my daughter so much. Thank you for staying here. We’re all so grateful.” And I thought, this is fair. “

Amanda gave this family, and gives her fans, an opportunity to give in a very real, immediate way. Through the act of trusting her fans enough to ask for help, she connects with them, and, she says, “when you connect with them, people want to help you.“

Amanda admits that her way of connecting with her fans may not be for everyone, but how she connects with people; how she trusts them to enter into this ‘ask and you shall receive’ interaction; how she sees them (and therefore makes me see them through her eyes) made an impact on me.

I mean, isn’t it easier to ignore, to ridicule, to bash something you don’t know or understand? Isn’t it easier to write someone off because you have decided they are someone you don’t want to know based on your own assumptions of who they are? Isn’t it easier to hurt someone when you dehumanize him or her? (I mean, isn’t that where “being objective” comes from?)

I get that we naturally want to shield ourselves from being hurt, but the very act of shielding, of distancing ourselves from potential pain, may very well close us off from truly connecting with those around us, from truly seeing others, and in seeing them, acknowledging the worth and value they may have to offer but may not have the opportunity to give.

And, seeing, connecting, acknowledging the innate value within each person is a kindness beyond measure.

I know we’re not all in the position to connect with fans the way Amanda does, but how will you connect with those around you today?

A Peek Outside

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I like my cave.

My cave is warm and filled with coffee and the occasional chocolate.

No one lives here but me. I am enough.

I create things of beauty and light and wonder.

I don’t wonder if I am good enough or original enough or artsy enough.

My creations make me happy.

But then, I peek outside, and see All The Others do All The Things, Things that are BIGGER and BETTER than I can ever make them, and I feel so small. And my creations are nothing but misshapen lumps in my hands. I let them go and they drop with a thud.

I shuffle back into my cave.

My cave that is no longer warm but cold and I huddle in a corner.

But now instead of just me, a great many Others fills my cave.

They crowd me.

I am lonely.

But then.

Then.

My creations peek into my cave. They call to me.

I resist. I remember the small feelings, and how they can hurt.

One by one, my creations return to me. I refuse to see them. But they refuse to go until they are seen.

And little by little, I see them.

And I see they are not misshapen lumps after all. They are just different from All the Others’ Things.

And even so, their form is not the point, not the goal in itself. Creating them is.

I am happy when I create them, and in that moment, the creation is a thing of beauty and light and wonder.

I remember this truth, and I crowd out All the Other voices.

And I see that All the Other voices is just my own insecure voice echoing around my cave.

And when I stop speaking my insecurities, they disappear and I am just me again.

In my warm cave filled with coffee and the occasional chocolate.

And I see that I am enough.

Be Here Now

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“Lost time is never found again.” Benjamin Franklin

I’m about to dive in to the busiest time of year again, and no, I don’t mean the frenzy of National Novel Writing Month which kicks off at midnight (though I do enjoy that annual treat!). I’m talking about that blessed time of year that people love to hate: The Holidays.

Personally, I love the holiday season. I’m a sucker for the window displays. The more nostalgic and whimsical, the better! Bonus points if the window displays are animated! Anyway, even though I may end up mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted by January (yay for spa days!), I always look back on the Thanksgiving-through-Christmas rush with a feeling of ‘Whoa!’ Another mountain conquered, another wave I rode out, another notch added to my belt.

But before I dive headlong into the thick of things, I need to give myself a few ground rules/reminders. After all, I juggle multiple roles, and I want to ensure that I balance all aspects of my life.

1. Before I can be take care of others, I need to take care of myself. I’m not going to lie, I feel BLESSED to have my strong immune system, and I’m sure that my positive outlook on life is directly related to my health. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been sick, and I want to keep it that way. So. When do I schedule my work outs? What foods do I need to keep in stock to prepare my meals in advance? What does my routine need to look like so I can get a good night’s sleep?

2. Don’t Mistake Activity for Productivity. Instead of scheduling All The Things and prioritizing them, I just need to schedule my priorities. Ask myself, ‘Does This Thing require my attention Right Now or can I manage this later?’ Focus on the Few Things that will give me the biggest return on my investment. During the five weeks of holiday, those few things are: exercise/nutrition, family time, writing time. Everything else is a luxury.

3. Be Here Now. To me, all of the above planning and prepping is to set me up to be 100% present, whether at work or at home. So, where do I need to invest my time so that when I’m off the day job, the switch stays off and I can enjoy being with my family when I’m with them? When can I schedule time to write, so that when it’s writing time, I’m writing my novel and not tweaking a work schedule? How can I invest in my family time so that I don’t carry any emotional baggage with me to work?

So, if you’re participating in NaNoWriMo, I’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines this year. There have been too many changes in my dayjob to spread myself too thin. Besides, I’m still revising WIP2, and my writing time will be devoted to finishing that.

Do you have any tips to keep yourself grounded during hectic times?

PS,

I contributed to The Kindness Project blog today. Check out my post HERE.

The Kindness Project: Encourage Others

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{About the Kindness Project–Too often kindness is relegated to a random act performed only when we’re feeling good.  But an even greater kindness (to ourselves and others) occurs when we reach out even when we aren’t feeling entirely whole . It’s not easy, and no one is perfect. But we’ve decided it’s not impossible to brighten the world one smile, one kind word, one blog post at a time. To that end, a few of us writers have established The Kindness Project, starting with a series of inspirational posts.}

I’ve had this image saved on my computer for some time now. You may have probably seen it already, what with all these memes and other images flying around these days on social media. Anyway, of all the images that have flitted across my facebook feed, I chose to save this one. Why? Well, since the first day I saw, and many days since, I am reminded that kindness starts with me, and that even one simple, genuine word of praise has lasting, transformative power. It has inspired me to step outside of my comfort zone in terms of how I deliver encouragement, and to whom, and hope it will do the same for you.

Has someone been on your mind recently? Why not send them an email or message right now letting them know you’re thinking of them. Did you have exceptional service while out in your local restaurant? Why not tell your server how much you enjoyed his or her service.

Thank you for stopping by, and I hope you were inspired to spread a little kindness today.

Please be sure to check out other blogs posting for The Kindness Project today: (the Mr. Linky widget doesn’t work on my blog, but the other blogs feature the widget, so feel free to write a post, enter your link, and spread some kindness that way.) :D

SciFridays: Fanado Goes Mobile

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I recently stumbled upon a tweet on Margaret Atwood’s twitter stream that talked about Fanado. Intrigued by the idea of technology bridging the gap between artist and fan, I took a few moments to check out what Fanado had to offer and to learn more about the Indiegogo campaign.

FROM THE WEBSITE:

About our Go Mobile Campaign:

We want to take Fanado wide by making it accessible to everyone with an iPad, iPhone or Android device. Both Artists and Fans can take part in 1:1 meetings, sign and receive collectibles, chat with other fans – wherever they are in the world.

We built Fanado largely in-house, with our own resources – a small team working from our co-founder’s house in Toronto. To build the Apps we need to hire outside expertise – cross-platform design and programming, integration of mobile video with our patented signing and back-end support. To “Go Mobile,” in short, we need you.

With your help, Fanado can fulfill its promise of Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace. With Indiegogo funds, we’ll create two Apps – one for Artists, one for Fans – that work with both iOS and Android tablets. Whether you’re at home, in the office, on the road, or on jury duty, you’ll be able to connect live – audience to artist – up close and personal.

Pledge now and become one of the first to use Fanado – meet our Beta Artists including musicians & bands, authors & athletes, film & TV celebrities; artists both new and known. You can even create your own Fanado channel.

Join us at Fanado – where technology takes us places we couldn’t go before. We appreciate any and all support, and hope you’ll join us on this trip!

I was instantly hooked by the possibility of meeting some of my literary heroes (like Margaret Atwood!), and was honestly excited by the prospect of having not only a video recording of the meeting, but both a digital and physical autograph from the artist! I had one of those moments when I felt like I was watching history happen, like I was living in one of my science fiction novels or movies. (Hoverboards and cars that drive themselves are just around the corner–I can feel it!)

I admire the digital pioneering of this company–to be able to create meetings and memories with artists who would normally be well out of reach for the normal fan–and hope they gain the momentum they need to make their mobile campaign successful.

Have you checked out the video? Aside from the funny bleeps over the script, what did you think?